Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Never, ever fails to get me someone-put-me-on-mute kind of laughing.


"As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes, it seemed that way."

"Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!"

"To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?,' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'"

"It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating."


*on mute