Give us this day, our daily Wonka Bar

From my first blog obsession, PostSecret:

"When I was younger I used to believe that

God and Satan were like
Mr. Willy-Wonka and Mr. Slugworth.

That they were really working together to see who was honest,
and I thought that if I told anyone, and exposed God's plan,
that I would be blamed for blasphemy."

-----------------------------------

Now, I was born and raised Catholic. I chose to be confirmed, and I chose to join youth group, and I choose to pray. Sometimes I even choose to go to church.

I was taught to never question.
Especially not to question why I couldn't ever question.
Don't get me started on that idea.
So would our God hate me for saying... "What if?" (Christians, you don't get to answer this one)

I know this is probably making you uncomfortable in some way. It makes my four-year-old white poodle-dressed smiling-with-all-of-my-8-teeth-in-my-communion-picture self a little uncomfortable, too.
But the model suggested in the quote is pretty simple:

• You're taught to believe that there's a binary around which you order your life: Good and bad; right and wrong; Godliness and Satan worship. You can't bat for both teams.
• The end game in all of this is, uh, eternal... something... about happiness... and a lot of bright lights and white clothing and hugging. Better Catholics, fill in the blanks.
  
• You're living your life struggling from temptation to temptation to temptation, avoiding discolored choir midgets, endeavoring to reach this end, and some people fall to the wayside. (Veruca, Fat German kid, Chick who picked her nose)

Nothing blasphemous there, right? That about aligns with Catholicism, doesn't it?
And when you think about it, so does Christianity, and Judaism, and Scientology... (BLASPHEMY ALERT, peeyooo-peeeyoo said God's smite beam)

Here's the kicker:

Ideally, when your squeaky-clean soul gets to the end, Good Cop and Bad Cop are smiling back at you. Next to each other.
And Lucifer's like, "Dzang kid. You ain't take any of the candy I hat offered. You harder to break than mah PerezHilton habit."
And God's like, "You mah ride or die. Foreal-foreal. Das' how we be knowin' you legit."

Wouldn't you then be most deserving of, y'know, Hev'n?
When even He-Who-Must-Not-Be-...Listened-To can vouch for your goodness?
Que, Willa Wonka based on a radical Catholic alternative suggestion, like how you play Pink Floyd albums backwards and you get crazy messages?!

I'm just sayin'.
BRB, anticipating swarm of locusts from my closet or something.