The Art of Small Talk

THE GREETING. DAMNIT.
"Oh. Migad. OMIGAD."
"Dude!"
"fuckfuck don't look, walk away before she... shit... OH, heyy!"

WHEREIN YOU EXPRESS REGRET FOR YOUR NEGLECT.
"It's been like, foreverrrr! Omigadyoulooksogood. Where have you BEEEEEEN?!"
"Duuuuuude. The last time I saw you was, what... (mutual agreement on obscure past event) Y-yeah! Wow... so long ago... Really long..."
"...Heeeeyyyyy. Hi."

YOUR EXCUSE.
"Well, you know! I'm so like, bizzy!"
"Life, man! I've just been really busy, man. Things have been hectic. (shrug & spread out arms, like your life is so epic that it's beyond explaining to you)"
"Busy."

WHERE YOU PRETEND TO CARE/UPDATE ENOUGH TO FEEL "UPDATED"/HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHAT "THINGS" HAVE BEEN "HECTIC"
"Oh. Well, y'know, there's like.. schooool, and there's like... wooorrrrk... Stuuuuuuff... (pause). Okaysowhatabout youuuu!? (fake hit on arm)"
"I'm just like, doin' my thing, y'know? Tryna survive. Gettin' that money! Hhyknow, haha... Gettin... money... (chuckle off shame of bad joke and, y'know, lying. Scratch neck.)"
"Oh, around. Um... you know (wave hand in an vague circle), around."

WHERE YOU LOOK FOR A WAY OUT.
"Okayweeeell, I don't want to keeeep you - I'll let you get back to your thing! Your thang! Doin' yo thang! (more fake hits)"
"But hey, bro, 'sgood seein' you (overly aggressive hand-shake-back-pat wherein you check each other's masculinity real fast) - don't be a stranger... be good... drive... safe... and um.. "
"(fake ringtone out of side of mouth) Oh damn, that's me, I've gotta take this..."

WHERE YOU EXCHANGE INFO YOU'RE NEVER GONNA USE.
"So like, Facebookme Myspaceme AIMme Twitterme Plurkme textmeeee. ...Or like, call me."
"Yeah, just hit me up on my celly-cell, you got my new number? Yeah, just, y'know... hit me up whenever... When you're like, in the area, hit me up... Celly-cell..."
"(Into phone that is off) What? She put it in her where? Dixie cup?! (back to human) Man, I've gotta run, but it was nice seeing you..."



AND THEN YOU SAY IT.
"We need to hang out!"
"We've gotta hang out."
"We ...erh, hang out."

(walk away, for God's sake)


Don't act like you haven't.